Post by eldouchobaggo on Apr 6, 2011 2:43:30 GMT -5
Eminem’s “we made you” plays as a black screen fades into a scene of a pseudo futuristic room filled with silver and black furniture which seems to blink and hum for no good reason. Words in a font reminiscent of ST:TNG cover the scene as the crowd applauds loudly.
“Space Douche: The Next Episode”
A desk with a blue tinted glass top and black metal legs dominates the set, a gray metal stand on one side of the desk holds up a silver, black and white luchadore mask. The music fades out as El Doucho Baggo comes through a side door wearing a simple black suit singing to himself well outside the tempo of his theme song and doing an obscene thrusting dance with his hips.
“Our love for you will never die. I know you want me girl cause I can see you checking me out.”
He takes off his jacket replacing it with one has black leather lapels and cuffs and a sewn in black undershirt that buttons all the way up to the neck. When he reaches his desk EDB takes the silver mask and turns his back to the audience to make the switch. He drops his usual mask on the desk and momentarily a bit of the futuristic cityscape can be seen projected onto the mask betraying it to be the work of a technician on a the studio audiences’ cheering becomes deafening with several female catcalls for good measure.
“Welcome back to the most popular show in all of the known universe, space…”
The screen splits between doucho and a cylon from the original Battle Star Galactica the only audible sound is similar to Darth Vader exhaling but, subtitles pop up reading “(sigh)”. Doucho turns toward the split screen, annoyed.
“Yes, Jimmy”
He speaks in the scrambled mechanical voice typical of the character while subtitles continue to accompany his nearly unintelligible speech.
“I already explained last time that you couldn’t say that without hard data from other parts of the universe.”
“Oh well, how are we doing on earth?”
“Bad.”
“How bad?”
“We’re just below the channel in the 400’s that plays disco and we just beat out reruns of Charles in Charge”.
“Really, Charles in Charge, I remember that show. Charles in Charge, of our days and our nights. Charles in charge, of our wrongs and our rights. And I say,,,
At this point the entire studio audience joins in in perfect harmony.
“I want Charles in Charge of me.”
When Doucho and the audience finish we here the voice of Jimmy sing alone.
“of me.”
All eyes turn toward jimmy as if he were an evil robot villain from a classic sci-fi epic.
“My voice synthesizers cannot work any faster than this.”
“You suck, Jimmy. So, if I beat Charles in Charge, does that mean I’m in charge?”
“I doubt I can keep you from interpreting it that way.”
“Good enough!”
The studio audience “spontaneously” bursts into song.
“Doucho in charge of our days and our nights…”
EDB smiles basking in the love of his artificial fans reluctantly he motions downward with his hands and the crowds singing slowly dies out.
“Now I understand that a lot of you aren’t quite satisfied with the current WCWF champion.”
A picture of Brian Thorn in wrestling attire with the world heavyweight title around his waist pops up to one side of El Doucho Baggo, the crowd responds with boos and hisses. Doucho once again calms the audience down and continues speaking.
“Myself, I have mixed feelings about the champ so I’m going to critique him with a method called the compliment sandwich basically I’ll say something good then something bad then I’ll close with something good. Alright here I go. Unlike most of the mooks I find myself surrounded by Thorn is a legitimate martial artist and he never hesitates to illustrate this verbally or in the ring. On the other hand he’s an arrogant jerk, no wait I like that. He’s a womanizer, no that’s good too and I guess now I have to wait at least five minutes before I contradict myself by calling him a fag. Well, he has been doing everything in his power to avoid facing me ever since I first won the right to face him at the battle bowl and ummm wow this is really hard. His tights….. Jimmy has it been five minutes so I can call him a fag?”
“It’s been less than a minute.”
“Are you sure?”
“My internal chronometer is accurate to within one tenth of a nanosecond.”
“I hate you Jimmy, you’re such a fag”
“I hate you too.”
“I bet you’re gay with Thorn, you fag”
EDB turns back toward the audience.
“Thorn is gay with robots.”
The picture of Thorn changes to one of Thorn in a passionate embrace with Jimmy. EDB scratches his chin in thought.
“Ok, something good, something good….he has nice hair. Alright that’s Thorn’s compliment sandwich.”
The gay robot picture changes to a picture of a loaded but sandwich that bends in a semblance of a smile and two olives on tooth picks that serve as eyes and with Thorn’s hair of top, it looks like it was once a good sandwich but, it‘s sat around too long letting the lettuce. Doucho looks over at the sandwich as the
Wilt and the oil and vinegar soak through the bread all soggy and gross.
“Not very appetizing is it? It’s practically a turd sandwich and I can understand why a lot of you aren’t happy being represented by a turd sandwich as your world heavyweight champion.”
The picture to Doucho’s side becomes a turd sandwich on white bread with Thorn’s hair, the sandwich’s sides droop making it look like its frowning.
“No, a turd sandwich certainly isn’t an acceptable world champion at all, so I applaud Tucker’s decision to insist that the WCWF world heavyweight title be defended at the revived CWF’s first pay per view. However he neglected to announce who Brian Thorn’s opponent would be. I don’t know why exactly he decided to sit on that little nugget perhaps it was an attempt to wet the appetite of the t.v audience to make sure they tuned in next week, perhaps he’s just in denial, maybe he just didn’t have time before the show went off the air. I’m sure it isn’t due to ignorance because as the Executive Enforcer of the late WCWF he is well aware that that the number one contender is none other than my guest please give a warm welcome to the Undisputed Heavyweight champion of the World Ellllllllll Doooouchoooo aaaaa Baaaaaggooooo!”
The camera pans back and a silver streak crosses the screen leaving twin lines of flame on the floor, after
Slowing and turning around a DeLorean comes to a stop next to the guest’s chair and the driver’s side door opens and El Doucho Baggo steps out. Dressed as Biff’s grandson Griff Tannen from Back to the Future 2 with an ugly as hell striped leather jacket and oversized spiked boots that bristle with spikes.
“El Doucho Baggo welcome, back from the future, (the way he says this last line knows tells us he knows it’s a bad joke) thanks for being on the show.”
“Thanks Doucho, I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”
“So I understand that we’ll be winning the WCWF championship from Thorn, next month?”
“That’s right it was just epic, two of the best in the world at their peak clashed that night. We shook that arena to it’s foundations I don’t think that anyone else could have beaten either of us that night. It’s hard to describe to someone who hasn’t seen it which in my time is just about everybody.”
“The match was that important?”
“Not at first, I mean sure, the buy rates were good but, it really got a lot of exposure after it was featured in my movie.”
“You mean like a best of DVD.”
“No, don’t get me wrong, I have one and it’s immensely popular but, I’m referring to my feature film “Douchasaurus: The El Doucho Baggo Story”.”
“So, how big will this movie be?”
Future Doucho goes to the DeLorean and pulls out a large box and sits back down.
“Let’s see, here’s my Oscar for best picture, one for best actor, best director…”
As he lists off each one he places it on the desk as host Doucho looks on in greater and greater shock and awe at his own, well, awesomeness.
“Here’s a picture of Brian Thorn accepting his Oscar for best supporting actor.”
There is a sound of a shot from backstage host Doucho gets up to investigate and the camera follows him. Backstage he finds his stage manager jimmy lying dead on the ground gun in hand, bits of chrome and circuit boards litter the floor. Doucho finds a hand written note and as he reads it we here jimmy’s synthesized voice.
“I hate you so much, you are without a doubt the most despicable human being on the planet and knowing that you will reap these rewards in the future has wiped away what little hope I had that this world could be at all good or just.
-Jimmy
P.S I hope you …..
Fuck You”
Doucho falls to his knees and screams.
“Noooooooooo, Jimmy, why why why, Jimmy!”
Another cylon comes up behind Doucho.
“Yes?”
“Oh, Jimmy, good. Clean this mess up.”
Doucho gets up and smiles heading back to the stage.
“I hate my life.”
Back on stage future Doucho is still talking.
“and that’s when I was awarded this “Greatest Person to Ever Live” Medal.”
“Wow, that’s a fascinating story, me.”
“Ya, well I’d better get back to my girlfriend.”
“Can’t you just go Back to the Future (bad pun) before you left?”
“Sure, but, I’m just horny.”
“Ahhh, so could you tell me who our girlfriend is so I can make sure and be nice when I meet her?”
“I’d like too but, she’s a minor in you’re time.”
Future Doucho hops into the DeLorean.
“Hey, you forgot our awards.”
“You can hold on to them for me, I’ll know where to find them.”
He takes off in the DeLorean.
“El Doucho Baggo everyone.”
The crowd cheers as the scene fades out.
“Space Douche: The Next Episode”
A desk with a blue tinted glass top and black metal legs dominates the set, a gray metal stand on one side of the desk holds up a silver, black and white luchadore mask. The music fades out as El Doucho Baggo comes through a side door wearing a simple black suit singing to himself well outside the tempo of his theme song and doing an obscene thrusting dance with his hips.
“Our love for you will never die. I know you want me girl cause I can see you checking me out.”
He takes off his jacket replacing it with one has black leather lapels and cuffs and a sewn in black undershirt that buttons all the way up to the neck. When he reaches his desk EDB takes the silver mask and turns his back to the audience to make the switch. He drops his usual mask on the desk and momentarily a bit of the futuristic cityscape can be seen projected onto the mask betraying it to be the work of a technician on a the studio audiences’ cheering becomes deafening with several female catcalls for good measure.
“Welcome back to the most popular show in all of the known universe, space…”
The screen splits between doucho and a cylon from the original Battle Star Galactica the only audible sound is similar to Darth Vader exhaling but, subtitles pop up reading “(sigh)”. Doucho turns toward the split screen, annoyed.
“Yes, Jimmy”
He speaks in the scrambled mechanical voice typical of the character while subtitles continue to accompany his nearly unintelligible speech.
“I already explained last time that you couldn’t say that without hard data from other parts of the universe.”
“Oh well, how are we doing on earth?”
“Bad.”
“How bad?”
“We’re just below the channel in the 400’s that plays disco and we just beat out reruns of Charles in Charge”.
“Really, Charles in Charge, I remember that show. Charles in Charge, of our days and our nights. Charles in charge, of our wrongs and our rights. And I say,,,
At this point the entire studio audience joins in in perfect harmony.
“I want Charles in Charge of me.”
When Doucho and the audience finish we here the voice of Jimmy sing alone.
“of me.”
All eyes turn toward jimmy as if he were an evil robot villain from a classic sci-fi epic.
“My voice synthesizers cannot work any faster than this.”
“You suck, Jimmy. So, if I beat Charles in Charge, does that mean I’m in charge?”
“I doubt I can keep you from interpreting it that way.”
“Good enough!”
The studio audience “spontaneously” bursts into song.
“Doucho in charge of our days and our nights…”
EDB smiles basking in the love of his artificial fans reluctantly he motions downward with his hands and the crowds singing slowly dies out.
“Now I understand that a lot of you aren’t quite satisfied with the current WCWF champion.”
A picture of Brian Thorn in wrestling attire with the world heavyweight title around his waist pops up to one side of El Doucho Baggo, the crowd responds with boos and hisses. Doucho once again calms the audience down and continues speaking.
“Myself, I have mixed feelings about the champ so I’m going to critique him with a method called the compliment sandwich basically I’ll say something good then something bad then I’ll close with something good. Alright here I go. Unlike most of the mooks I find myself surrounded by Thorn is a legitimate martial artist and he never hesitates to illustrate this verbally or in the ring. On the other hand he’s an arrogant jerk, no wait I like that. He’s a womanizer, no that’s good too and I guess now I have to wait at least five minutes before I contradict myself by calling him a fag. Well, he has been doing everything in his power to avoid facing me ever since I first won the right to face him at the battle bowl and ummm wow this is really hard. His tights….. Jimmy has it been five minutes so I can call him a fag?”
“It’s been less than a minute.”
“Are you sure?”
“My internal chronometer is accurate to within one tenth of a nanosecond.”
“I hate you Jimmy, you’re such a fag”
“I hate you too.”
“I bet you’re gay with Thorn, you fag”
EDB turns back toward the audience.
“Thorn is gay with robots.”
The picture of Thorn changes to one of Thorn in a passionate embrace with Jimmy. EDB scratches his chin in thought.
“Ok, something good, something good….he has nice hair. Alright that’s Thorn’s compliment sandwich.”
The gay robot picture changes to a picture of a loaded but sandwich that bends in a semblance of a smile and two olives on tooth picks that serve as eyes and with Thorn’s hair of top, it looks like it was once a good sandwich but, it‘s sat around too long letting the lettuce. Doucho looks over at the sandwich as the
Wilt and the oil and vinegar soak through the bread all soggy and gross.
“Not very appetizing is it? It’s practically a turd sandwich and I can understand why a lot of you aren’t happy being represented by a turd sandwich as your world heavyweight champion.”
The picture to Doucho’s side becomes a turd sandwich on white bread with Thorn’s hair, the sandwich’s sides droop making it look like its frowning.
“No, a turd sandwich certainly isn’t an acceptable world champion at all, so I applaud Tucker’s decision to insist that the WCWF world heavyweight title be defended at the revived CWF’s first pay per view. However he neglected to announce who Brian Thorn’s opponent would be. I don’t know why exactly he decided to sit on that little nugget perhaps it was an attempt to wet the appetite of the t.v audience to make sure they tuned in next week, perhaps he’s just in denial, maybe he just didn’t have time before the show went off the air. I’m sure it isn’t due to ignorance because as the Executive Enforcer of the late WCWF he is well aware that that the number one contender is none other than my guest please give a warm welcome to the Undisputed Heavyweight champion of the World Ellllllllll Doooouchoooo aaaaa Baaaaaggooooo!”
The camera pans back and a silver streak crosses the screen leaving twin lines of flame on the floor, after
Slowing and turning around a DeLorean comes to a stop next to the guest’s chair and the driver’s side door opens and El Doucho Baggo steps out. Dressed as Biff’s grandson Griff Tannen from Back to the Future 2 with an ugly as hell striped leather jacket and oversized spiked boots that bristle with spikes.
“El Doucho Baggo welcome, back from the future, (the way he says this last line knows tells us he knows it’s a bad joke) thanks for being on the show.”
“Thanks Doucho, I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”
“So I understand that we’ll be winning the WCWF championship from Thorn, next month?”
“That’s right it was just epic, two of the best in the world at their peak clashed that night. We shook that arena to it’s foundations I don’t think that anyone else could have beaten either of us that night. It’s hard to describe to someone who hasn’t seen it which in my time is just about everybody.”
“The match was that important?”
“Not at first, I mean sure, the buy rates were good but, it really got a lot of exposure after it was featured in my movie.”
“You mean like a best of DVD.”
“No, don’t get me wrong, I have one and it’s immensely popular but, I’m referring to my feature film “Douchasaurus: The El Doucho Baggo Story”.”
“So, how big will this movie be?”
Future Doucho goes to the DeLorean and pulls out a large box and sits back down.
“Let’s see, here’s my Oscar for best picture, one for best actor, best director…”
As he lists off each one he places it on the desk as host Doucho looks on in greater and greater shock and awe at his own, well, awesomeness.
“Here’s a picture of Brian Thorn accepting his Oscar for best supporting actor.”
There is a sound of a shot from backstage host Doucho gets up to investigate and the camera follows him. Backstage he finds his stage manager jimmy lying dead on the ground gun in hand, bits of chrome and circuit boards litter the floor. Doucho finds a hand written note and as he reads it we here jimmy’s synthesized voice.
“I hate you so much, you are without a doubt the most despicable human being on the planet and knowing that you will reap these rewards in the future has wiped away what little hope I had that this world could be at all good or just.
-Jimmy
P.S I hope you …..
Fuck You”
Doucho falls to his knees and screams.
“Noooooooooo, Jimmy, why why why, Jimmy!”
Another cylon comes up behind Doucho.
“Yes?”
“Oh, Jimmy, good. Clean this mess up.”
Doucho gets up and smiles heading back to the stage.
“I hate my life.”
Back on stage future Doucho is still talking.
“and that’s when I was awarded this “Greatest Person to Ever Live” Medal.”
“Wow, that’s a fascinating story, me.”
“Ya, well I’d better get back to my girlfriend.”
“Can’t you just go Back to the Future (bad pun) before you left?”
“Sure, but, I’m just horny.”
“Ahhh, so could you tell me who our girlfriend is so I can make sure and be nice when I meet her?”
“I’d like too but, she’s a minor in you’re time.”
Future Doucho hops into the DeLorean.
“Hey, you forgot our awards.”
“You can hold on to them for me, I’ll know where to find them.”
He takes off in the DeLorean.
“El Doucho Baggo everyone.”
The crowd cheers as the scene fades out.